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The Hexaflex EP

by Scott McKinstry

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1.
For many years I wondered now I think I know an artificial intelligence is running the show It cycles when I slumber it boots up when I rise it tells me I'm not worthy and predicts my demise I've got a bug in my brain driving me insane trying to explain the bug in my brain Get it out! Who planted it I don't know I'm yanked in circles when I ask it fills my head with static as it queues another task I see all the smiling people not a worry on their page but bait them in the darkness and you'll choke on their rage I've got a bug in my brain driving me insane trying to explain the bug in my brain Let it out! Just because you think a thought, doesn't mean it's true Just because it's from inside, doesn't mean it's you I think I broke the off-switch 'cause the voices never stop But if I sit alone and listen I hear a rhythm to the thoughts It's like a Pollock painting at first it seems a random joke but caress its pebbly surface and you'll trace a branching oak I've got a bug in my brain driving me insane trying to explain the bug in my brain Let it shout!
2.
In Kindergarten class I learned to fly teacher's top drawer held the passport to my high. A sheet of gold stars for when we shined sorting left from right, finding words that rhymed. I wanna earn that gold star so they'll see what I'm made of 'cause when I earn that gold star I will be loved Goofing with the glue, dripping runny white snot Ben and Gus giggled, teacher did not. But I won her too when I stood up to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and got every word right. Oh, how I love my gold star come and see what I'm made of as long as I've got my gold star I will be loved Feeling kind of played like a puppet on a string singing for my supper like a jester to a king I'm on top now but the tide can turn fast I wanna find a way to make it last On my fifth sheet of paper botching Superman's 'S' five minutes into recess I'm the only one left. I see the kids outside, laughing, playing tag it's not a game I'll win, but I've got legs so I might as well join them and go play. I don't need this gold star to know what I'm made of 'cause underneath this gold star I'm made of love you're made of love every single one of us is made of love
3.
Some days the gods smile on me pouring sunshine on the land. The world's my private oyster spilling pearls into my hand. But other days are darker my mouth is full of soot. My words are slurred and mumbled I drop anvils on each foot. But I'll take 'em both, the bright and dark, before I take the gray. So give me red, give me green, and the biggest grin you've ever seen. Give me all the colors I know how to feel. Give me blue, give me brown, lift me up and slam me down -- Let me get a grip on everything that's real. Cause I don't want to face the endless smear of gray So give me all the colors every single day. Now the gray can seem so promising when it promises no pain. Smooth the hills into the valleys so you trod an even plain. But in that land of twilight I find it hard to tell What's water and what's poison 'cause heaven tastes like hell. That's why I'll take the bright and dark, before I take the gray. So give me red, give me green, and the biggest grin you've ever seen. Give me all the colors I know how to feel. Give me blue, give me brown, lift me up and slam me down -- Let me get a grip on everything that's real. Cause I don't want to face the endless smear of gray So give me all the colors every single day. Now I don't seek the downpour I'd just as soon stay dry. But it's hard to feel the sunshine when I avoid the sky. So if I want to see the heavens and I am tangled in a wood I've gotta get good at feeling 'stead of trying to just feel good. That's how I'll see the bright and dark, instead of only gray. So give me red, give me green, and the biggest grin you've ever seen. Give me all the colors I know how to feel. Give me blue, give me brown, lift me up and slam me down -- Let me get a grip on everything that's real. Cause I don't want to face the endless smear of gray So give me all the colors every single day.
4.
How did I get to this place? What wrong turn brought me here? What kind of fool must I be? Only a loser cannot steer. What dark roads lie ahead? What new terrors must I face? I don't think I can survive an even worse place. Well I can't see straight if I don't look around you know I can't speed up and oh no I can't slow down This is the speed of life this is the unending now this is my chance to believe I can make it somehow I almost missed that last curve I almost hit that passing car I'm too busy looking at the map to see where we are. There's a road sign blinking up ahead but the flashing light is too strong. You take the wheel while I close my eyes figure out where it all went wrong. Well I can't see straight if I don't look around you know I can't speed up and oh no I can't slow down This is the speed of life this is the unending now this is my chance to believe I can make it somehow I see a hazy mountain I hear a passing train I feel my sweating palms I smell concrete wet with rain I taste my mid-day meal I feel this small snug space Here I am, forever, anchored to my place You know we're moving kind of fast I don't think it hit me before. Has the outdoors always looked like this, brand-new, sun-kissed? Like some kind of great big garden store. The road is rough and torn it's jerking me from my seat. But even with all this up and down, bouncing around I see the sign to our street. Well I can't see straight if I don't look around you know I can't speed up and oh no I can't slow down This is the speed of life this is the unending now this is my chance to believe I can make it somehow
5.
I was told there is a mighty book on the lap of God. With a chisel for a pencil he inscribes his sacred log. Every moment He is watching, always weighing every deed. Marking when I'm worthy and when I sink into my needs. I've been working for the record busy counting up my score but when you're working for the record your whole life is one long chore So I traded in my hymnal for the hottest self-help tome. And I learned that these commandments are made of clay instead of stone. So now that I make my own rules I should be done with all the shame. But why do I hide my face when I'm behind in this new game? I'm still working for the record still busy counting up my score but when you're working for the record your whole life is one long chore Does this journey have an end? And if I get there, how will I know? Will I be met with feasting? A hundred trumpets? A splendid show? If I die tomorrow, will I be proud of what I've done? Can I take them with me all these victories I've won? I think I'll grow a garden in this patch of ragged land. I won't win any ribbons but I like the dirt between my hands. And if someone is watching, and that someone's keeping score -- I hope that when they judge me they look at what I'm living for. 'Cause I'm through working for the record I'm done counting up my score 'cause when you're working for the record your whole life is one long chore and there's so much more you could be living for
6.
When you're too tired to sleep and the thought of getting up makes you weep. When you've gotta climb one more hill but your legs refuse your will. I know I've got no right to ask you to take on this hopeless task I know you're right when you say you can't do anymore today but do it anyway. Do it anyway. When the mirror shows your age and they're calling you back to the stage. When your belly bloats with fear and you'd rather be anywhere than here. I know I've got no right to ask you to take on this hopeless task I know you're right when you say you can't do anymore today but do it anyway. Do it anyway. I'm not saying that you can There is no secret sauce and I've got no plan but do it anyway. Do it anyway. When your child cries for days and you can't see through the haze. When they've shredded up your last nerve and you see the crash ahead, but you can't swerve. I know I've got no right to ask you to take on this hopeless task I know you're right when you say you can't do anymore today but do it anyway. Do it anyway. Do it anyway, do it anyway, do it anyway.

about

The six songs on this album were inspired by the six "pivots" in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a form of mindfulness-based cognitive behaviorial therpay.

I wrote them during the Pandemic Years, a time when I, like many others, sought a way to cope with unpleasant thoughts and feelings. My journey brought me to ACT. These six songs reflect the way I've been absorbing its lessons into my life.

These six pivots are collectively called the "hexaflex." Each pivot is a skill you can learn and practice. They were designed to help you live the kind of life you want to live, without being dragged down by the drama thumping inside your skull.

To learn more about ACT, check out A Liberated Mind by ACT's founder and co-developer, Steven Hayes.

To see more of my music, go to scottstoriesandsongs.com

credits

released March 12, 2022

Words, music, accoustic guitar, recording by Scott McKinstry
c. 2022 Copyright Control

Cover Photograph by Michelle McKinstry

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Scott McKinstry Edmonds, Washington

Scott McKinstry is a singer-songwriter living in the Pacific Northwest.

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